What More Really Means

Doing more of the right things to be well

One of my earliest memories is nudging my dad awake to get him to continue reading “The BFG” after he had fallen asleep on my pillow while reading my bedtime story.

Both my parents remember being poked in the arm while I chanted “more, more, more.”

Eventually, they just made me read to them.

But the “more” mentality didn’t go away. I’m always looking to fit more into each day. Can I carry all the grocery bags in one trip? Perhaps I can clear my inbox and chat on the phone at the same time. And would a dictation app maximize a long drive?

Lately I’ve been struggling though. Things have gotten out of balance in my quest for more, and I’m paying the price, through more tiredness, tears, anxiety and a feeling of disconnection from myself.

I’ve known for a while now, that as long as I’m paying attention to what’s being squeezed onto my plate, things tend to go okay. But I can’t just put anything old thing on my plate and expect to stay healthy and happy. Neither can you.

And yet it’s so hard to do this.

Last week I wrote about the role of self acceptance in noticing and addressing your own tender human needs.

This week, let’s talk about some research-backed universal human needs and how knowing more about them can give you a leg up.

I Know What You Need (try not to read that in a creepy voice):

Human wellbeing is critical.

We know the basics: get enough sleep and exercise, eat well, and you’ve got a lot of your physical and mental health covered. I’m not a doctor or a therapist, so this isn’t coming from a place of “I’m the expert” — rather, this formula has become well established and widely known.

I need to work on some of these right now, particularly sleep. As the daylight hours change and my body starts to wake up earlier, I need to shift my bedtime schedule. Otherwise I get sleep deprived, which makes me angsty.

Quick Fix

If you’re finding an imbalance in your life and you’re not feeling your best, mentally or physically, start here.

• Have I been getting an average of 7-9 hours of sleep a night, depending on my needs?

• Have I been getting active and in motion doing something I enjoy, at least 3-5 times a week?

• Have I been eating a balanced diet, rich in nutrients, bountiful with veggies and healthy fats, and low in processed foods, sugars, and harmful oils?

If any of these are out of alignment, shifting them will improve how you feel. I can personally attest that following this advice has pulled me out of some deep blues more than once.

In addition to the three basics, I’ve also been fascinated to learn that scientific research has more to say on ways to boost our wellbeing.

Frameworks for Human Wellbeing:

It’s kind of wild to me, but it wasn’t till the mid-twentieth century, amidst social, cultural, and political change, that psychologists found a growing interest in understanding what contributes to human wellbeing. Up till then I think there’d been a lot of survival thinking, due to a mostly survival level of economic development the world over. But as the world changed, so did our understanding of ourselves.

Humanistic psychology emerged in the 1950s and ‘60s, finding traditional psych too focused on dysfunction. It didn’t capture the positive aspects of human experience. Thank goodness someone noticed.

Abraham Maslow developed his widely known “Hierarchy of Needs” in these years, by studying the lives of exceptional people such as Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, and others he considered self-actualized. He came to believe humans have basic physiological needs, such as food, water, and shelter that must be met before they can focus on higher-level needs such as safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization.

And thus began an enormous shift in our understanding of how to be at our best.

By the early 2000’s, these concepts had been developed much further, culminating in the positive psychology movement. Martin Seligman was president of the American Psychological Association and pushed the focus of psychological research and practice to further promote mental health and wellbeing.

Seligman developed a model called PERMA, which identified five elements that humans can bring into their life in order to increase their wellbeing. These are:

• Positive emotions. They help buffer against stress. They are also associated with better physical health outcomes.

• Engagement with life and activities that are challenging but still within your ability lead to flow and focus. Engagement has been shown to drive greater life satisfaction.

• Relationships, particularly strong, positive ones, provide belonging and social support. Research shows that those with close, supportive relationships tend to be happier, healthier, and more resilient.

• Meaning and purpose. These provide a sense of direction, motivation, and fulfillment.

• Accomplishment — working towards and achieving goals. This boosts self esteem, confidence, motivation, and purpose.

Seligman found that people who incorporated all five elements into their lives had better mental and physical health outcomes, including:

1. Increased levels of happiness and life satisfaction

2. Improved mental health and greater resilience to stress

3. Better physical health, including improved immune function and lower levels of inflammation

4. Improved cognitive function and creativity

5. Better academic and work performance

6. Improved social relationships and greater social support

I like this view of self care because it expands it from just “take a bubble bath” style activities (which may well enhance your Positive Emotions) and adds other meaningful categories that include being in flow, building relationships, doing things with meaning, and getting shit done.

There are other great frameworks out there, and I’ll talk more about them, too, but this one is simple. Plus, it provides a fuller, richer definition of self care that’s research based, and helps build in balance.

I know I need this. I hope you find it useful too.

Lets take 5 minutes to put PERMA into action.

Label a paper with 5 columns:

• Positive Emotions

• Engagement

• Relationships

• Meaning

• Accomplishment

Now, reflect for a minute:

Do you have each of the five elements in your life?

Are they there in abundance?

Is there an area where you might need more?

Write it down, in 3 steps:

1. Write your assessment of your current state under each title in a short statement, like “I’m not experiencing positive emotions as often as I’d like.” If you want, add a smiley face, neutral face, or frown face to indicate how you feel about each category.

2. Next, write examples of things that currently contribute to that element of wellbeing.

   1. For example, under Positive Emotions, you might write down "reading a good book," or "surfing."

   2. Under Accomplishments, you might write down "completing XYZ project at work," or "learning French."

3. Finally, brainstorm actions to improve your PERMA balance. Be sure to include things to do MORE of, as well as things to do LESS of. (Doing LESS is also an action, and you can’t endlessly add to your plate.)

   1. For example, for more Positive Emotions, you might make a plan to spend more time doing activities you love. E.g. “I will cook at least once a week,” or “I will take a solo visit to a sauna this month.”

   2. You might also say, “I will spend less time listening to X person complain, by setting boundaries in our conversations.”

   3. If you're lacking in Meaning, you might look for ways to volunteer, get involved in a cause you care about, or help a friend with a problem.

   4. You might also say “I will stop volunteering time to raise funds for the organization that I recently learned is wasting money on a program they know doesn’t work, even though I originally made a commitment to them.”

Here you have a full picture of the five important elements and how you’re doing, plus ways you can improve the balance in your life. Here’s mine:

If you can, addressing the “Do Less” category first will make space in your life for things that do support you, while instantly cutting out activities that add stress and reduce your wellbeing.

Knowing what you need more of, you can then jump into action.

No need to shift everything all at once, or beat yourself up for things that aren’t going perfectly. Take a minute to celebrate the fact that you now have a one page map to balance important activities in your life.

Plus, you can now take advantage of opportunities as they arise, choosing more of what helps you, and less of what doesn’t, again and again.

It’ll take practice and probably some time to adjust, but doesn’t it feel hopeful?

You’ve got this,

-Marisol