Stop running before the cliff

Don't be a cartoon, speedily treading air before the fall

For many of us, when things get hard, our response is to DO MORE.

Don’t think, ACT.

Don’t stop, GO.

Don’t give in to your exhaustion, BE STRONG!

If this is you, close your eyes and take a deep breath right now. Put your hands on your heart and let yourself off the hook for a moment.

You’re not Wyle E. Coyote. You don’t have to go over the cliff.

You’re a smart, sentient human — and while you might be one who over-does things, you’re allowed to slow down. You’re allowed to breathe. You’re allowed to reflect and then change course and speed.

*** Close your eyes and take three breaths to pause and just be. ***

Okay, we’re back. A quick reminder: ballistic missile is not your job description.

And yet, fast, fizzy action has so often been my own reaction. I can only empathize with the pull for anyone who feels it.

Over the last few weeks I’ve had quite a few conversations with friends who tend towards human missile status. Many are feeling ready to blow these days between work and family, or job searches and financial stress, or simply personal pressure.

As a result, this seems to me a good time to dive into the relationship between overwork and self rejection, plus what, exactly we can do to stop ourselves, setting off on a new happier, healthier course.

A Reactive State of Overwork

When I’m feeling a bit off-kilter, down, or even overwhelmed, I often jump to solution mode, going full force ahead.

In reaction, I might say yes to everything, taking on new work, tightly scheduling my time, making check-lists, joining committees, providing input on other people’s projects, going out for more coffees and dinners, agreeing to mentor someone, building myself a new workout regimen, dialing into Zoom workshops that promise to change my life… you name it.

Unfortunately, nothing is receiving my full attention, so it quickly seems I’m not getting anywhere despite doing so much. It’s busy-ness without a purpose. It’s a running in air feeling just before the fall.

Or, alternatively, perhaps an important project of mine feels as if it’s not moving forward fast enough. In reaction, I might double down and focus all my energies there, intent on pushing ahead. I barely stop to eat or sleep or stretch or move. I see friends less. I don’t read for fun. Etc, etc.

In short, I stop doing the very things that make me feel balanced, human, and whole. I stop the activities that put my life in perspective and call attention to my upcoming energetic cliff. It’s a blind, mad dash.

Whether through over-focus or spinning out, if I enter over-work to solve my problems, I soon find myself exhausted. I get stuck in the churn-and-burn. I go over the cliff and fall.

Self Acceptance for our own Human Needs

Last week I wrote about acceptance, and how it’s a crucial part of handling the things that come up in life which we didn’t want and might not welcome.

This week, let’s go one step further to self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance is the key to escaping from the hard to breathe, churn-and-burn place we can so easily get sucked into.

Self acceptance is one of the core pillars of what I call The Messy Human philosophy.

It means acknowledging and embracing all aspects of yourself, including your own strengths, but also your weaknesses and limitations. It involves treating yourself with compassion, understanding, and kindness, and accepting all of who you are without judgment or criticism.

This can be a legitimately challenging exercise, given that we’ve mostly been taught to fix our weaknesses and to hide what we think of as our flaws.

This is self rejection.

Self rejection doesn’t help us grow, it blocks our development, shames us, and closes us down. It’s what keeps us stuck in cycles of overwhelm and overwork. It prevents us from addressing our own human needs. By self rejecting we clip our own wings.

On the contrary, self-acceptance helps us achieve our best.

Self acceptance is what allow us to recognize and address our deepest, most basic, most human needs. And that practice, in turn, allows us to be in optimal form, and to find greater health, happiness and capacity. Remember the whole “oxygen mask” metaphor? Self acceptance is step one.

Self acceptance lets us not just spread our wings, but expand our wingspan.

Don’t you want the chance to soar?

Your Needs Matter

For most over-doers, over-workers, over-thinkers, over-stressers, perfectionists and overachievers, the idea that we get to be messily human, with soft, tender needs is often counterintuitive. How could we possibly achieve all we need to get done, do things “right,” and reach our full potential if we let off the gas or indulge our weaknesses?

Most of us were raised in a society where soft and tender is not rewarded, and where hard driving, endless effort, winning and scoring, having grit, and taking a “grin and bear it” approach are considered strong and worthy.

Across a lot of the major cultures on the planet, this viewpoint has been embedded.

As Brene Brown says:

"It takes strength and courage to take care of our own needs and prioritize our well-being in a culture that often values toughness over vulnerability."

By “toughness,” Brene means the way our culture values suppressing emotions, pushing through pain, and never showing weakness. And she has found in her research that such “toughness” can be damaging, leading people to disconnect from their emotions, avoid vulnerability, and push themselves too hard.

Much psychology research - along with Brene’s sociological field research - shows that true strength and resilience come from being able to be vulnerable, to connect with others emotionally, and to take care of oneself.

So instead of trying to tough things out, the evidence is clear. You NEED to accept yourself and your needs.

Recognize and embrace the fact that your own imperfection is a natural part of being human. In fact, the ways we think we’re imperfect (e.g. different from “the mould”) make our perspective more powerful and insightful than it otherwise would be.

Know that your own challenges and soft spots gift you with an ability to be empathetic to others who also have challenges and difficulties.

Welcome the fact that your yearning for rest, sleep, play, connection, time in nature, and quiet reflection are all a part of being human. They’re not weak.

It’s a strength to notice these needs.

It takes strength to address them in the face of what society, our culture, our workplaces, and even sometimes our families have to say about it.

Plus, it builds strength and resilience when you actually meet these needs.

How to Avert the Fall: A Quick Exercise in Addressing Your Needs

You may already know your personal signs that indicate eminent danger; the signs that your energy cliff is up ahead. And yet you may still feel a compulsion to keep going hard even when those signs show up.

For me the “I’m overdoing it” feeling drives a feverish heat in my head, a sort of manic energy in my limbs, and a burning behind the eyes. For another friend, it’s when she tears up and get close to crying relatively frequently. For an old boss, it was when he started giving everyone two pages of instructions for how to do something he knew we knew how to do on our own.

So let’s do a quick check in exercise (below) to identify if you’re in that space now, and if you are, what you can do about it. Even if you find you’re not so close to the cliff, if you’re ignoring any unmet needs, do something about them anyway.

Here goes:

1. Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit or lie down.

2. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to center yourself and relax your body and mind.

3. Starting at the top of your head, bring your attention to each part of your body, one by one, and notice any sensations you feel.

4. As you focus on each part of your body, ask yourself the following questions:

• What sensations do I feel in this part of my body?

• Is there any tension or discomfort in this area?

5. As you move through each part of your body, also check in with your mind and emotions. Ask yourself:

• How am I feeling emotionally right now?

• Are there any thoughts or concerns on my mind?

• What do I need in this moment to feel more relaxed, centered, and grounded?

6. Take a few deep breaths and visualize yourself addressing any needs or concerns that came up during the body scan. Imagine taking care of yourself in a way that feels nourishing and supportive.

7. When you're ready, slowly open your eyes and take a few moments to reflect on what you learned. What do you need? What can you do to respond to your discoveries?

Can you take action on what you just visualized doing to care for yourself? If that specific action is not an option right now, what could you do instead? Don’t just note all this, do something about it.

If your head hurts or your thoughts are cloudy, do you need some water and a walk?

If you feel tightly wound, can you take a few minutes to stretch with your eyes closed?

If you are exhausted, can you give yourself a solid break to do something different that might re-energize you, like a nap, or something a bit fun, diverting, new, spontaneous, silly or connecting?

Be creative, open minded, and playful. Take fresh action to meet your own needs in this moment. Later, reflect back on how you felt after deliberately and intentionally addressing your own needs.

Chances are, you’ll feel more in tune with yourself, more relaxed, validated, and stronger. You might just find out your capacity to handle hard things expanded, and the work you got done increased.

Your needs are valid and worthy. You have the power to take care of them. You have the right as well. So go ahead and use this as your permission slip to get it done.

Up Next

Next week we’ll get into the specific human needs that scientific research has found to be universal. We’ll talk more about how you can leverage these insights to create better outcomes for yourself, while having a lot more fun, play, rest, and connection. Stay tuned!

With all the acceptance and love,

Marisol