The inescapable messiness of being alive

Practicing the art of acceptance

Do you ever feel like no matter how much of “the work” you do, you keep finding yourself back at square one?

I do.

I’m talking about the work of personal development and growth, of course, and about the way that it just never seems to end.

Within the last couple of months I’ve been watching many friends go through significant shitstorms. Health scares and cheating spouses, miscarriages and unexpected pregnancies, layoffs and relatives lost to the grave. Almost unbelievably, each of those call-outs represents the situation of more than one friend.

I’ve been wanting to pour love all over my beautiful, hurting friends, while also feeling grateful that many of my own most recent shitstorms were at bay. It was golden to be in safe harbor with energy available to support. And a relief to be on break from “the work.”

And then, as happens, a new mess popped up for me. This past week, a conflict arose between my condo board and my tenant, with me (landlord owner), stuck in the middle.

The details don’t matter, except that lease agreements, money, and miscommunication are involved. And legal messes make my stomach churn. Feeling financially vulnerable is akin to falling down a well. And being accused of wrong-doing (even if it is merely a miscommunication) raises the sensation of bugs crawling down my arms.

For a few days after I learned of this situation, I could barely eat or sleep. Zippers worked up and down in my stomach all day and all night.

And here I’d been feeling so strong lately.

When things happen that we did not ask for —things which we do not want— we have a choice to make. We can avoid the situation, we can fight it, or we can accept it.

Suddenly, I seemed to be re-learning lessons I thought I’d already learned.

Avoidance Doesn’t Help

I won’t lie, I spent some time on avoidance.

I didn’t want to divert my carefully made schedule to address this issue. I’d planned to work on other things!

I didn’t want to have to process the fact that one of the ways this situation could unfold might lead to some major changes in my long term plans— changes I clearly didn’t see coming.

I didn’t want to deal with the scary potential that lawyers could get involved, or that I might lose a bunch of money.

But trying to ignore this stuff, which was churning in the background, only made my stomach queasier and heightened my anxiety. I was eventually forced to turn and face the thing I didn’t want to face, simply because I was exhausting myself by avoiding it.

Finally, some of the lessons I thought I’d learned in previous cycles of my messy human existence kicked in.

Acceptance Is Needed

I knew acceptance was my way out. Acceptance of the fact that I’d have to take the time to handle the thing I hadn’t asked to handle. Acceptance that many outcomes were possible, and not all of them were particularly desirable.

Acceptance is not the same as laying down to let people walk all over us. It’s not the same as giving up and making no effort to achieve an optimal outcome in a tricky situation.

Acceptance is opening ourselves up to the fact that what has come is something we must now be with, and must now deal with — even if it was not expected, is not desired, or is not going to allow our lives to continue on as we had planned.

The art of acceptance has not come easily to me. It’s not particularly fun. But, through my search for relief from things like stress, anxiety, and exhaustion, acceptance has come to be a necessity.

Psychologists, researchers studying the science of emotions, neuroscientists, and ancient philosophies converge on the fact that the art of acceptance is a critical skill in getting through hard things with more ease.

It turns out, accepting the messiness of human existence is the basis for finding peace in our experience, from the lowest lows to highest highs.

Acceptance Defined

In psychology, acceptance refers to a person's willingness to embrace and tolerate a situation, experience, or emotion, without judgment or resistance. It involves acknowledging and coming to terms with a situation or reality that is beyond one's control, and accepting it as it is, rather than fighting against it.

Acceptance delivers measurable decreases in depression, stress, and anxiety levels, and improved emotional regulation and resilience. It improves the longevity of relationships, and increases self esteem.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths, which help end suffering and keep us unstuck. The First Noble Truth is that life inevitably includes suffering or difficulty. In other words, the first thing you’d better do with yourself is to accept that shit happens.

The Second Noble Truth is that life is painful or difficult because of our attachments. The more you hold on to what you think “should be,” the more you are going to feel pain as a result of life’s challenges. Accepting what is instead of what we think should be is a key to release.

The Third Noble Truth is that ease and peace of mind are possible - huzzah, some hope! And the Fourth Noble Truth is that the route to such ease is through the Buddhist “eightfold path” - which is more or less eight states of being and acting that lead away from attachments and back to our own truth, mindfulness, acceptance and the fluidity of life.

Acceptance in Practice

As soon as I remembered that there wasn’t any way out of the situation that had come up —but that acceptance would release me from my anxiety about it— I decided to find a way to come to terms with what was going on.

I went through four key shifts from struggle to acceptance:

1. Shifting away from avoidance and denial: I had to acknowledge that the conflict between my condo board and my tenant won’t go away on its own. It exists.

2. Shifting into non-attachment: As much as I didn’t want to, I traced through the landscape of the possible outcomes from this situation, identifying both the good and the not so good possibilities.

   I asked myself to think about each possible future and come to terms with it. And once I was facing them head on, they weren’t so bad. The looming shadows of my feared futures were bigger than the reality, when I turned to look directly. I could now detach from the future I’d planned for and allow multiple possible futures.

3. Shifting into self-trust and self security: I saw that I could handle each potential outcome just fine. I knew I would land on my feet. I might not come out as well-off as if my current future plans had held, but I wouldn’t come out ruined, either. I am fine now. I will be fine after this all shakes out.

4. Shifting into committed action: Once I processed all that, I had to make a conscious decision to respond to my board and my tenant a way that aligns with my values and goals.

   I needed to learn more about the situation and its background, understand all sides of the issue, assess what was happening, and attempt to find a solution. In short, I had to act like a problem solver and keep an open mind.

Living in the Cycle

I slept better and ate better after going through these thought exercises. However, each time I had to face the next step, the anxiety reared its head again.

And since I’m still not done with this situation, and I can almost guarantee that I’ll have to go through more discomfort before it is done. Each time, I shift from struggle to acceptance.

I do feel better. I’ve come to terms with the fact that a future that seemed certain and secure is now uncertain and insecure. And that whatever the outcome, I’ll have to handle some new situation. I’ll get through it.

This new perspective has allowed me to get into action so I can make the best of the situation that exists.

Just as psychology research has found to be true, by accepting my reality, I have found a greater sense of resilience, adaptability, and emotional well-being.

Be Messy & Grow

Every situation that asks us to practice acceptance pushes us to grow. Each one will challenge us and move us forward. Each one may make us feel we’ve gone backwards at first— at least until we find our way through. And that’s completely fine.

There really is no perfect pinnacle to our growth, and no point when we stop having to press through challenging situations. When we realize we’ve grown and yet still remain messy, it's a humbling reminder we have to live like this forever. Good and bad will come. Each time we must rise to greet the moment.

It's a cycle, this messy human thing.

Ever cycling-ly yours,

-Marisol

References:

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