Self Doubt: The Escape Plan

Myth busting your self-doubtful thoughts to stop bad behavior

I just finished reading through the latest Notes in my Substack feed, and I find myself feeling woefully inadequate. My brain is swirling with thoughts that are really dragging me down.

(In case you haven’t checked Notes out, they are a cool new feature on Substack in which users can post images and bits of writing, or share quotes and links to posts (their own or other people’s).

The thing is, one of the writers I most admire on Substack published a note in praise of another of the writers I most admire. Then a few Notes down there was another pairing of two different authors, and then another and another. I felt left out. I felt invisible. I felt unworthy.

I wanted to shove my head under a pillow and hide. My writing must not be good enough to share, and I should stop pretending to have anything interesting to say at all. No original thought could possibly come from this head…

Right.

It’s so easy to get stuck in this kind of thinking. The kind that says that someone else’s success means you’re a failure. That says if you are not the absolute most famous, most frequently quoted, top of the pile, and the best, then you’re not good enough at all.

This kind of thinking makes you wonder if you’re doing anything worthwhile, which can stop you in your tracks. Or it send you down the path of working harder and harder to achieve worthiness.

If this has ever happened to you, then this post is your antidote.

Self Doubt: The Trap

It’s funny how strivers and achievers are so often plagued by self doubt. It’s so common, in fact, that in work settings we’ve even got a term for it: imposter syndrome. But it can permeate the rest of our lives too.

We need to go beyond labeling the mindset to find a solution. It’s one thing to say “I know I am capable, and I know it’s only my past conditioning making me think I’m an imposter.” It’s another thing entirely to feel, deep down, that there’s nothing to doubt about your abilities, thoughts, opinions and instincts.

To resubmit that novel to the 99th agent because you know it’s good. To continue to shout into the wind, because what you have to say is valuable and you know eventually, you will connect with the people who need to hear it. To build your business plan and create your minimum viable product and then pivot and pivot and pivot, looking for traction on what you’re sure is a valuable offer.

The Link Between Self-Doubt and Overachievement

Self-doubt is a very human emotion. This little pocket-square of worry and anxiety is a particularly ugly thing to wear close to your chest. And yet, we all struggle with it, even the most talented, famous, beautiful and successful among us.

“I had to overcome the question ‘am I good enough?’” Michele Obama has said, speaking about her time at Princeton. “It’s dogged me for most of my life… I overcame that question the same way I do everything – with hard work… I felt like I had something to prove… but I had to get out of my own way.”

The more we differ from the type of person our society was set up to serve (white, male, cis, economically well off, fit, etc), the more we may struggle. Perhaps this is why women are 18% more likely to experience self-doubt then men.

Self-doubt stems from how we see ourselves. We may have internalized societal expectations of how we should be and then developed harsh self-criticism as a result of not conforming. We may routinely compare ourselves to others, seeing others as doing better, instead of merely being different. Or perhaps past failures have stuck with us, hampering our ability to see our true potential.

After all this build up of cognitive detritus, biases and distorted thinking patterns are embedded in our mind, leading to perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, and a tendency to discount the positive, among other things.

As a result of self-doubt, we begin to judge our own abilities in varied ways, sometimes expecting poor performance and other times anticipating the best. Psychology research has found that when self doubt creeps in, it hampers our ability to adequately evaluate our own level of competence. We become uncertain about our ability to cause a desired outcome.

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

For me, this lack of certainty rears its head most when I’m trying something new that I don’t have a clear roadmap for. The thing is, most new things are like this. We can do our research, prepare and plan, then act, but at the end of the day we still have to trust that our research found the right stuff, and that our plan is good, and that our ability to execute is backed up with the right skills and resources.

The unknowability of this can keep us inside the safety zone, blocking us from doing exciting new things. For instance, I never took computer science in college, since I was so uncertain whether or not I could get an A. What a loss! Even had I received a lower grade, it would have been so worthwhile, just for the chance to get rigorous training and be taught authoritatively on this subject when I was young—and right when the software development industry was exploding.

There’s also a different reaction to the cycle of self-doubt, one perhaps more easily overlooked, but just as insidious. Many times, when we’re uncertain of our ability to produce desired results, we use overachievement to prevent mistakes and failures.

We put in a super amount of effort to make sure things go well, since we’re not sure of our abilities. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing whether it was the extra effort or something else that made us successful, leading to further self doubt. 

I once went on a promotion spree, earning five level-ups in five years. During this phase I worked long hours, did every extra project I could, networked and schmoozed, and had many successes.

Yet I’ll never know whether I could have had the same outcome if I had pulled back my level of effort. Would I have been “worthy” of all those promotions with somewhat fewer hours, fewer extras, less schmoozing, and more deliberate boundary setting and upward feedback? I’ll never know. But now there’s a serious narrative in my mind saying all that work is what it takes. So if I want that result again, that’s the blueprint I’m going to turn to first.

Unless…

The Escape Plan

Unless…

I start to counteract my own self-doubt in ways that help me uncover the truth about my ability to deliver outcomes.

I gain clarity about what is real, rather than succumb to cognitive bias.

I build up a tolerance for trial and error, and a willingness to experience failure.

The opposite of self-doubt is a kind of confidence, and that confidence stems from certainty of one’s abilities. And I don’t simply mean the ability to drive expected results. I am also including the ability to weather storms, failures, and challenges.

Photo by Nathan McBride on Unsplash

An Exercise in Myth Busting Self-Doubt

How has self-doubt affected your behavior recently?

Is there something you’re working on right now—at home, in the community, at work, or another arena of your life—which is taking up a lot of your time and energy and which has an uncertain outcome? Or something you’ve put off starting?

This something is a ripe opportunity to find some self-doubt lurking. So today we’ll use it as a starting point for a little myth busting.

The Ghost-Busters team uses a ProtonPack to kill ghosts. They carry this heavy machine around as they hunt ghosts, so they can blast any and all supernatural entities with a stream of high-frequency protons!

What would your personal ProtonPack look like, if it was redesigned as a package of high-frequency thoughts that can crush any and all self-doubt haunting you? Let’s create one with the following exercise.

Cognitive Distortion Blasters

Cognitive distortions are ways of seeing and framing situations that create bias based on your thoughts.

The exercise below covers seven cognitive distortions common to self-doubt.

For each one, try filling in the blanks of the “I” statement with whatever comes to mind. If something pops easily into your head, this is likely a cognitive distortion creating self-doubt for you. Write it down. Then work through the exercise below to come up with your counter-statement.

If nothing comes to you for a given statement, skip that section and review the next cognitive distortion on the list.

Get Into Action

I'm working really hard on ____.

(Or, I want to try ___, but I’m holding back from starting).

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking

Unless I do ___(activities), this won't be successful.

• All-or-Nothing Thinking means seeing things in black or white, but the world exists in shades of gray. It’s thinking in extremes and disregarding the middle ground or alternative possibilities.

• Consider this: How can I reframe this situation to see the shades of gray and recognize that progress and growth can occur even if it's not perfect? Open up to multiple outcomes. Sure you can picture perfect success and total failure. What are several intermediate options? List them out and describe those scenarios.

• Counter-statement writing: Sum up a new thought about the possibilities for whatever you’ve got going on:

2. Mind Reading

When people see me working on this, they probably think ___(thoughts) about my background and qualifications and wonder why I’m the one doing it.

• Mind Reading is when we make assumptions about what others think or expect.

• Consider this: Forget what other people think. If you had to explain to someone who has always had your back exactly what you bring to the table, what would you say to them? Be as honest as possible and ignore what you think are societal expectations.

• Counter-statement writing: My opinion of my abilities is what matters most, and I know ____.

3. Comparison

People like ____(name) and ____(name) possess the necessary skills, background, and abilities to succeed in this, but I might be overreaching.

• Comparison is the tendency to judge one's worth or abilities against others, often leading to feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, or envy.

• Consider this: No two people are exactly alike. It’s useless to compare. Besides, there’s no single way to do any one thing, despite what society may suggest. What if the people you compare yourself to are the “old model” and you’re the “new model?” You’re doing things your way, based on your own experience and perspective.

• Counter-statement writing: What fresh awesomeness do you bring to the table, which is all yours?

4. Labeling

My ability to deliver on this project is uncertain, since I’m someone who _____(behavior, mistake, or poor outcome) in the past.

• Labeling is about applying negative or derogatory labels to oneself or others based on specific behaviors or mistakes. It’s defining oneself or others based on isolated incidents.

• Consider this: Identity is myriad. You’re someone’s friend and also someone’s child. You’re likely excited about two different hobbies. You’ve grown over the years, learning and changing as you go. Expand your identity away from one skill or talent, away from one failure or success, and see the whole picture: the many facets of you. Jot down at least three facts about you - different strengths and experiences you’ve had. Now identify three things you’ve learned through your life.

• Counter-statement writing: Complete this statement: I’m not defined by just one experience or thing, I’m a multifaceted person who___ (strengths and experiences), and I continue to grow throughout my life, having learned many things, like ___(lessons and skills).

5. Overgeneralization

My past failure in ___ (situation, behavior, or activity) means I'm destined to fail again. Since I struggled with ___(situation, behavior, or activity) before, I'm sure won't be able to overcome it this time.

• Overgeneralization leads us to draw broad conclusions based on limited evidence or a single negative event. Here we apply a negative experience to all situations or people, leading to a pessimistic outlook.

• Consider this: It’s easy to disprove a generalization. “All tomatoes are red… except that green one over there that isn’t ripe yet.” Identify moments when you went from one state to another: e.g. the turnarounds in your life, big or small. Was there a time you failed a quiz, but got A’s the rest of the semester? Or you insulted a person who later became your friend? Or made a mistake at work but came clean and found out no one was angry, only helpful? Now find a few that are relevant to your current situation.

• Counter-statement writing: There’s always room for growth. I’ve turned things around before. Here’s some evidence of my abilities and past successes in similar situations to the one at hand: _____.

6. Emotional Reasoning

The fear and anxiety I feel about this project failing is at a ___(number) out of 10 on the charts, which must mean it's destined to fail.

• Emotional Reasoning is about believing one's emotions reflect objective reality or truth. It means assuming that because you feel a certain way, it must be a factual representation of reality.

• Consider this: Emotions aren’t the truth. Instead of making future projections from your fears and anxieties, let them be a raised flag. Can you give yourself some comfort and peace from what scares you? What would you tell a close friend about this situation? Now tell yourself.

• Counter-statement writing: Emotions can lead me astray, but I have objective evidence and/or alternative perspectives that challenge my negative emotions in this situation. This evidence and alternatives include: ___.

7. Catastrophizing

If I fail at this, I’m screwed. This is my one and only chance to _____(activity or outcome), and if I don't seize it, _____(negative outcome) will happen.

• Catastrophizing means magnifying or exaggerating the importance or implications of a situation. It’s imagining the worst-case scenario and overestimating the potential negative consequences.

• Consider this: Life goes on. Catastrophe is not the end of the story. Research has found that three people who all begin moderately happy can respectively 1) win the lottery, 2) lose their limbs, and 3) have no change at all, yet still all feel moderately happy after three months. The lottery winner may have gone through a high before returning to their starting point. The one with no change will stay the course. And the unfortunate soul who lost limbs may have gone through a low after becoming a paraplegic, but they too will also return to baseline having learned important lessons about life and themselves.

• Counter-statement writing: Identify the worst case scenario. If that happened, then what would you do? And then? And then? How can you prepare for this worst case scenario effectively instead of dwelling on it?

Your Self Trust Agreement: I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts

Having tried this exercise in myth busting, perhaps you can now give yourself more grace. I’ll leave you with two questions:

1. How might you maintain confidence in yourself even when you make mistakes or experience failure?

2. How might you maintain confidence in yourself even when you are treated poorly or not given unconditional love from others?

You deserve to be confident. Everyone has valuable gifts to bring to the world, and we need them all. We need you.

Hiding your light helps no one. Neither does working so hard that light flickers out.

Find the confident middle ground of doing without fear of failure, of acting without self-judgement, of giving yourself in the truest, most honest way possible, free from self-doubt. The world will benefit. So will you.

You’re so, so worthy. I hope this has helped you believe it.

xo

Marisol

Sources

• Braslow, M. D., Guerrettaz, J., Arkin, R. M., & Oleson, K. C. (2012). Self‐doubt. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(6), 470-482.

• https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/self-doubt.html