Softening the hard times
Even when we want to be free of hard feelings, it doesn't mean they're ready to go. When such perseverance is required, we can soften our inward response, lightening our load.
The heaviness of feelings can be a lot to carry at times. Sometimes, you want to be free of them, but you’re just not there yet. They may linger, despite your best efforts to let them go, to stop ruminating. Sometimes, the swirl of it all is complex and conflicting, filling you up with churning sensations and loud thoughts.
In these times, it’s helpful to be kind to yourself.
It’s okay to simply notice what’s going on for you, to name it, to allow it, and even, to observe it as if you were outside yourself.
Go a little easy.
And instead of acting on those feelings, try being still and thanking them. After all, they are there for a reason. Feelings have a purpose. They are showing us our edges, they show us what matters to us, where our boundaries lie, where we feel a need for protection and safety, or when we yearn for more.
“Thank you for trying to help me,” you can tell them. “I see you. I notice you. I appreciate your efforts.”
You could even add, that, “at this point I don’t think I need your help anymore,” and see if they might go now.
They might. Or they might not. When the feelings are big, and there are many of them crowding the space inside you, a simple invitation to go might not be enough to actually send them on their way. You may have to let those feelings off the hook many times before they decide they can be relieved of duty, and disperse.
Till then, it can help to have some patience.
The churn of anxiety, or nerves, creating nausea in the stomach isn’t enjoyable. You might be ready for it to go.
When the dense blanket of sadness weighs you down, it may anchor you in a space you don’t want to be. You may desire it to lift.
The flush of embarrassment may curl your shoulders and make you feel small. You may yearn for bigness again.
And yet, you might not have the ability to break free at this time. That’s okay.
Giving yourself the space and the grace to allow these feelings to be — and to let them be nothing more and nothing less than exactly what they are — can alleviate some of the burden that can come from wanting them to go.
With time, and some patience about getting through the discomfort, you will find the other side.
Brene Brown speaks of getting through these times by repeating to herself the word, “pain, pain, pain, pain, pain…” and on, recognizing and honoring what her experience truly is. It helps her get through to the other side without being so afraid of her own pain, afraid that it will last forever, or afraid that it means something is really wrong.
Sometimes, as she says, it just means you’re in a shame spiral. And this really goes for all the other uncomfortable feelings too, and the sensations that go with them.
I know you can withstand this time of discomfort. It’s part of being human, and you can do it. I am working on trusting myself with this hard thing too.
The reward of this practice in patience and noticing, is that the hard things begin to seem a bit smaller.
In his book Aware, Dan Siegal describes our consciousness as like a glass of water. When we expand our awareness, bringing more of our full experience within the sphere of what we can see, we expand our consciousness. Our glass of water grows.
And while a dash of salt in a small glass of water can make it undrinkable, when there is more water, the salt will have less effect.
So, take it slow and patient, be aware, notice, name and thank the feelings you find. Then watch to see if your salt begins to taste less salty.
Here’s to staying sanguine in hard times, together.
-Marisol