PSA: Not feeling grateful? It's okay.

Just a quick PSA: if you're not feeling gratitude, you don't have to force it, no matter what everyone says about Thanksgiving

I woke up this morning, the American holiday of Thanksgiving, to a slew of email advertisements from businesses trying to get ahead of Black Friday. Twas not exactly how I wanted to start a quiet holiday. Especially since a number of these emails were pushing gratitude. Apparently, commercialization has come for our feelings!

Please stop! We are not required to feel any specific way on the holidays. Remember that all your feelings are valid, as you gather (or don’t) with family or friends, and expectations arise of what you should be doing or what you should be feeling.

If gratitude is not where you are, you do not have to force it. You can let your other feelings exist too. They are part of your biology, accept it.

I’m not saying to tromp around like a grumpy troll all day. I’m not saying to snip at everyone round your Thanksgiving table at the moment when you all share “what you’re grateful for,” by griping, “nothing, life is horrible and I hate all of this.”

All I am saying is that you can allow yourself a broader inner spectrum than our culture likes to acknowledge or accept. In doing so you offer yourself the space to gently shift from reactivity to mindful responsiveness, and in that moment, you may find your spark. Love all of you and all your feelings and you’ll find it takes the edge off.

When the inevitable Thanksgiving gratitude question comes up, if you’re not feeling it, you can use a helpful technique I discovered during my divorce. It is simple, really. You’re simply going acknowledge and allow the hard things and also to see if there may be some lessons or gifts within them that you can simultaneously welcome. You may be welcoming to your difficult emotions and also see what more there is.

You can simultaneously acknowledge what is hard or difficult or uncomfortable AND what gift the experience of that hard thing may bring to you, like a silver lining in a cloud. So cliche, but whatever; it works. Both sides of things can be true.

Perhaps Thanksgiving brings up difficult memories of childhood fights between your parents or family members. Those memories are real, so the day may rile you up inside. At the same time, today you have the power to hold space for the past and also create the future you choose. See if there is not some goodness that came for you from that old experience, such as developing your stoic side that sees past Hallmark expectations to appreciate what is honest. Perhaps this has influenced you to create fewer expectations for others around holidays, or to allow for alternative traditions. Is this openness and broader perspective not a gift? Explore what more might be there. Explore what steps you might decide to take as a result of seeing this. Both parts are true. The hardness and the gift.

Perhaps this day reminds you of a loss. For me it often recalls my grandfather, with his hilarious tales at the table. The loss is real, and I will always miss him. But another truth is how now, I can carry on his tradition of telling stories, bringing his memory with me. I learned storytelling from him. I learned so much warmth and generosity of spirit from him. So there is goodness as well as sadness in recalling his memory at Thanksgiving, and that goodness guides a lot of how I want to show up on this day. Both are true.

I wrote about this dual approach to gratitude in my reflections guide at the beginning of the month, and it’s a good time to bring it back up as a soft reminder.

Check it out here:

May you go with grace and love today, feeling all your feels and mindfully responding.

xo,

Marisol