How to act on your messy feelings
Respond consciously and with intention
“Do not cry in front of her. Don’t do it. Keep your shit together,” I told myself, as an important client lit into her secretary and me, her face red, her voice a hiss.
This was years ago, and I was early in the practice of using my emotions as information. But I knew enough to know that my feelings were valid, that I had not only the right, but the responsibility to create positive change in my situation.
My executive level client had arrived at an important meeting in a building across the corporate campus. She had gotten up to speak to a room of other executives, only to discover her presentation wasn’t loaded onto the computer that drove the PA system in the room.
I’d created her entire presentation and written her speaker notes. She’d approved it, so I’d given it to her secretary to forward to the meeting organizer, just as she’d requested. The meeting organizer had confirmed receipt and said it would be ready and waiting for her at the meeting.
So why wasn’t the presentation loaded on the computer in the room when she got there? Neither the secretary, nor I, had any idea.
Clearly, this didn’t matter to my client. She had felt embarrassed during the meeting, and she was furious about it. We were her punching bags.
Her secretary began to tear up as her boss called us incompetent and careless, making it harder for me not to let the waterworks begin myself. My eyes burned, and my chest tightened. My stomach writhed, and my throat felt so closed I wasn’t sure I’d be able to speak, let alone breathe.
I was experiencing a biological response driven by my mixture of outrage, betrayal, shame, hurt, fear, and confusion.
Handling Hard Feelings
Last week, I wrote about how we can’t avoid having hard feelings, but how we can control how we respond to them. I went over how feelings are created in the body in order to pass experiential information between brain, limbs and organs, which is why when the information is bad, the feelings can feel like crap.
In this case, my body was alerting me to danger from my client’s anger, to the injustice of her words, to the needs of the secretary next to me, and to the fact that I’d damn well like to fight back against this nasty, bullying behavior.
Last week I also wrote about a 3 part action plan to handle hard feelings without reacting while they’re still hot and fresh: we must accept, emote, and let go. We repeat as needed till we are done emoting and are able to become thoughtful about how to respond.
So while my client kept yelling, I was trying to breathe through the unpleasant feelings and let them flow out of me sufficiently that I might respond with anything other than a highly emotional reaction.
I knew that if I knee-jerk reacted, it would probably be in a tearful, angry outburst. It would not only be embarrassing and unprofessional, it would be unhelpful. It wouldn’t resolve our situation, bring clarity, or right wrongs.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have a lot of time to get myself together. I had barely managed to process the initial shock of what was happening when my client said, “This can never happen again, do you hear me? Never.”
Her secretary and I stood in total silence, still processing. I hadn’t gotten to the point where I could move through emotions automatically and instantaneously. Even now, years later, I am only sometimes able to do so. It is a skill that takes practice and repetition, and can depend on what else you’ve got going on internally, which hasn’t been handled. So in that moment, early days in my emotional intelligence journey, I was doing my best.
“Well?” the client demanded after a minute. “Do you hear me, or what?”
Her secretary launched into a tearful, rambling overview of what she thought had happened.
“I don’t want to hear it,” my client said, holding up her hand. “Just don’t let it happen again.”
My other emotions were cooling, but in that moment, the anger only amplified. She was being so unfair to her secretary and me.
How could I respond without letting my rage fly? How could I improve things instead?
Identifying Right Action after a Big Emotion
It’s pretty common to tamp down on our emotional reactions during work situations, but that’s not the same thing as responding intentionally and thoughtfully.
We are trained not to react outwardly at work. An emotional reaction is automatic and reflexive. It’s triggered by our emotions, often without conscious thought. And in a professional setting, it’s not considered acceptable to have such an outburst. So while it’s common that our emotional reactions flood us, professional norms dictate we don’t express that feeling, either with a reaction, or with a healthy response.
As I came of age in Corporate America, I was taught that the best case scenario is a complete poker face. After that, crying in the bathroom is the next best option. Far worse would be to let the emotions actually show in real time in a way that could be disruptive or disrespectful.
But once I learned more about emotional intelligence, emotions management, and mindfulness based behavior, I saw that a poker face isn’t actually the best outcome.
We have another option: an intentional response.
An intentional response is considered and conscious. It involves taking a moment to pause and reflect before reacting. It requires consciously considering our emotions, thoughts, and values, and then choosing a response that is aligned.
First Accept, Emote, & Let Go
As we talked about last week, if we’ve accepted our feelings as valid and useful sources of information, then let the biological feedback loop to flush out the chemicals, hormones, and electrical impulses of the emotion, and finally, have allowed ourselves to let go of the feeling, we’re ready to find an intentional response.
Intentional Response
In Buddhist practice, the cultivation of mindfulness and awareness is seen as a way to observe and understand our feelings without becoming attached or reactive to them.
In other words, we can use mindful awareness to realize that a specific situation triggered a specific feeling, that’s our cue to do something intentional about it instead of flipping out, or letting it stew.
As my client was berating me and her secretary, I knew I did not want to be treated like this again. It was unfair that she immediately jumped to the conclusion that her problem was our fault. It was unprofessional and rude to speak to us the way she was. And it was an infuriating power play for her to do so. As her subordinates, the secretary and I weren’t “allowed” to speak to her that way, so why did she get to speak to us so harshly?
**Today I recognize that this harsh behavior on the part of a person in power is exactly what you get when someone graduates to leadership without having been taught how to respond mindfully to their feelings. In other words, when you spend your whole life thinking you should have a poker face, you don’t gain the skills to do anything else. Then, when you get the position where an outburst doesn’t get you a reprimand, you often let fly in destructive ways.**
Stewing in my own anger, I struggled to find the mental clarity to respond to my client. I was trying as hard as I could to turn inward and find a way to speak up for myself and the secretary.
I was observing myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my values and my goals, all in a split second, without nearly enough distance to be fully mindful. But I had no choice. I felt like Mrs. Packman, bumbling around in the maze of my mind, trying to digest the right things in time to win the game.
Though I lacked clarity amidst my jumble of thoughts and feelings, a few things bubbled up. Today, from a distance, I can now tell you that I wanted to combine several messages:
I heard my client’s request and frustration with empathy
I did not think her assessment of her secretary and my involvement was fair
We would look for ways to prevent such issues in the future, but not because it was our fault that it happened — because we cared
I didn’t like the way she was speaking to us and I didn’t want her to do it again
I managed to spit out something like this:
“I want you to know that you didn’t look flustered or awkward when you found out your presentation wasn’t loaded onto the computer. It only took a couple minutes for the problem to be solved and I don’t think anyone thought less of you afterwards. As for what happened, your secretary and I followed your original plan, and everything was confirmed on our end, so we were as surprised as you about this outcome. But the next time we go into a meeting like this, we can have the meeting organizer show us that your presentation is ready right before the meeting begins.”
It wasn’t my full message. It left out my anger, and it left out any kind of request for a change in behavior and treatment from my client. But it was as good as I could do in the moment.
Still, I went home and kept thinking about the situation, which led me to uncover a few more bits of information that I added to my toolkit.
And I found a particularly good way of stating a boundary, which if i could have had a do-over for this moment, I’d have put into use.
Choosing an Action Plan
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests using a process called "values-guided action" to identify what to do after a big emotion has come and gone. The first step is to connect your emotions to your values and understand what you cared about most in this situation. The next step is to evaluate your options for action and see if any of them align with your values and goals. Consider the consequences, both positive and negative, and pick a path forward. Commit to it, but as things unfold, it’s okay to observe and adjust.
For my situation with my client, my values included: 1) being polite, 2) being empathetic, 3) doing good work for her, 4) maintaining a professional relationship, 5) giving upward feedback, 6) fairness, 7) self protection, and 8) feeling heard.
So, what action on my part would prevent future harm while keeping me in alignment with all those values? In the moment, I landed on a statement that blended politeness, empathy, and fairness. But it fell short of self protection, upward feedback, feeling heard, and fully enabling my best work.
What else could I have done?
There are many different types of actions we could take in response to our emotions, depending on the situation and the specific emotions. Here are a few types of actions to consider:
Expressing our emotions: This could involve talking to someone else about how we are feeling, writing in a journal, or engaging in creative expression such as art or music. Sometimes feeling seen, heard, and validated is what we need most after a big emotion.
Taking care of ourselves: Practicing self care can involve taking time for relaxation, exercise, or engaging in activities that bring us joy.
Seeking support: If we’re struggling with our emotions, it may make sense to choose to seek support from a therapist, support group, or trusted friend or family member. We don’t have to go it alone.
Making changes: In some cases, we may need to make changes in our life in order to better align with our values and reduce negative emotions. This could involve changing jobs, ending a relationship, or making other major life changes.
Shifting our perspective: This can help us reframe our thoughts and beliefs about a situation, which can in turn change how we feel about it. We may consider shifting our focus to the positive aspects of a situation, deriving lessons learned, or challenging our limiting beliefs, controlling desires, or negative thoughts about something or someone.
Setting boundaries: This could involve saying "no" to requests that we do not want to fulfill, asking for a different kind of treatment, or limiting contact with people who are causing us distress (or who haven’t responded to our requests for new treatment).
In the situation with my client, I realized after the fact that setting a boundary would have been an important step. And while I didn’t do at that moment, I took this as a sign to set boundaries with her going forward.
If I could have gone back in time, I’d have said something to the effect of: “I appreciate hearing how you feel. Yet when you speak with so much heat, it sounds harsh to me and I feel hurt and upset. In order for me to hear you and respond mindfully, can you speak more calmly in the future?
Here’s a good boundary setting mad-lib: When you (behavior), I feel (emotion). In order for (better outcome next time), I need you to (action) in the future.
After this incident, I found a few opportunities to tell my client when her tone or behavior was making it more difficult for me to do my best work. While it didn’t completely change how she treated me, it did open up a dialog about how she felt she had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Suddenly we could speak more openly about what was going on.
Our conversations about her angel and devil also helped me shift my perspective to be more understanding of her own challenges and where she was on her leadership journey. Watching her grow taught me much about the requirements of leadership and the inevitability that taking on such roles demands us to go deeper than we’ve ever gone before.
What do you need to go do?
Is there a difficult emotion that keeps arising in your life, which could be a signal that it’s time for action? Do you know what the emotion is a response to — for instance, a specific situation, and area of your life, a belief or a thought? (Think about your work, relationships, health, mindset, and personal growth.)
Which of your values apply to that situation, arena, belief or thought? What outcome do you want? How do you want to feel going forward?
Which of your available action options could deliver the outcome and feelings you desire and release you from repetition of the hard feeling that keeps arising?
I hope that these frameworks help you adjust what needs adjusting and use your shitty feelings as a force for good!
xo
Marisol
Your quick guide to working with your hard feelings:
Identify your feeling
Accept, emote, let go
Move past reaction to intentional, conscious response
Identify your values around the situation and how you want to feeling going forward
Consider action options and the pro’s and con’s of each (expression, self-care, seeking support, making life changes, shifting perspective, setting boundaries, etc)
Commit to an action plan and observe and adjust as you go